There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

Starting a new relationship is like finding a new purse. It may be real cute at first, but you never know what it's going to really be like till you move all your stuff in.

5 Questions feared by men:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you think she is prettier than me?
3. Do I look fat on this?
4. Do you love me?
5. Is it in yet?

Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

• What's that ugly thing growing out of your neck... Oh... It's your head...

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

"So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present." -Anonymous

I always buy pre-written cards for people I dislike. If I'm going to lie about my feelings, it may as well be a lie written by someone else.

We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy..

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Few women admit their age; few men act it.

- What’s the difference between a sex night with the husband and one with the truelove?- About a half an hour...

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

When in doubt, mumble.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

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