A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

When in doubt, mumble.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.