You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy..

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.