Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.