There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

Starting a new relationship is like finding a new purse. It may be real cute at first, but you never know what it's going to really be like till you move all your stuff in.

5 Questions feared by men:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you think she is prettier than me?
3. Do I look fat on this?
4. Do you love me?
5. Is it in yet?

Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

• What's that ugly thing growing out of your neck... Oh... It's your head...

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.