To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

Question: Are you sexually active? Response: No, I just lie there.

"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful."

Coffee without caffeine is like sex without the spanking.

Hey mom! You got any more of that hot snatch Dad was raving about last night?

http://ping.fm/Xpo3g

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Please don't undress me with your eyes. I'm not wearing clean underwear.

A mother and daughter are talking about the facts of life. The girl says."Mommy , what is a penis?" her mother says " that's what you father pee's with." Then the girl says. "So whats a prick?" Her mother frowns and says, " that's what is attached to the penis,"

"You know I love Nature. I just don't want to get any on me."

ONE OF THE WONDERS OF SCIENCE: You just hand something in your wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

After all these years, I'm finally comfortable in my own skin, maybe it's because my skin is a lot bigger than it used to be!

"You're still here?... So much for wishes."
http://ping.fm/7ttyF

"Don't like your present? Fine. Give it to me- I'll wear the diamond earrings."
http://ping.fm/uyRhE

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat healthy and lie about your age

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat healthy and lie about your age

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I'm have the Bloody Mary Salad...hold the celery please.
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