I won't be in today-my hair won't start.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I USED TO BE INDECISIVE…

…BUT NOW I'M NOT SO SURE…

I hate to spread rumors- but what else can one do with them.

I have eye problems. I can't see myself coming into work today.

I may be a beginner at some things, but I've got a black belt in shopping!

i hate housework…you make the beds…you do the dishes… and then six months later you have to start all over again.

I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food

Ever get the feeling your credit card is laughing at you?

Do old men wear boxers or briefs? Depends!

Depression- Nature's way of telling you to watch more TV

(at a perfume counter): Give me something that will make me smell thinner.

(at a perfume counter): Give me something that will make me smell thinner.

This is a test. If it were real life, you would have been instructed where to go and what to do.

Two guys are leaving work when one says: " the first thing I'm going to do when I get home is rip my wife's panties off." "you're that horney?" "No, the elastic is killing me."