The three words you don't want to hear while making love: "Honey I am home."

DON'T CALL ME FAT

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The house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it.

Show me someone who never gossips and I'll show you someone who isn't interested in people.

BREAKING NEWS: HURRICANE IRENE IS THE JERSEY SHORE'S WORST NATURAL DISASTER SINCE "THE JERSEY SHORE"

Coffee....because weed is illegal!
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SHOW ME A WOMAN WITH A PERFECT FIGURE AND I'LL SHOW YOU A WOMAN WHO'D KILL FOR A BAG OF CHIPS.

Wanna hear an "A" joke???....
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To burp is human...to fart is divine!
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shopping; it is going to save the world. I don't know how, but it will

If you're not embarrassing your children you're obviously not enjoying yourself

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says "I'm cheap."

If there's no beer in heaven, I'm not going!

For their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, they gave each other inscribed tombstones. Hers read' here lies my wife, cold as usual' while his read' here lies my husband' stiff at last.

BITCH- it's not just a word- it's a lifestyle.

Conscience: that quite voice which whispers that someone is watching.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. you are not fat.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. you are not fat.

Anniversaries are like toilets- men usually manage to miss them.

After a few days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

A man is as old as he feels, a woman as old as she feels like admitting.

A man is an accessory like a pair of earrings. It may finish the outfit, but you don't really need it to keep you warm.

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!

A "bitch" is a woman who will sleep with everyone but you.

“Sex after ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.”

It's the good girls who keep the diaries. The bad girls don't have the time.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm quite busy.