Ginger Rodgers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.

Don't hate yourself in the morning- sleep till noon.

You know you're getting old when work is less fun, and fun is a lot more work.

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You can only hold your stomach in for so many years!

"Oh, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar." G.C.

Women's rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Top 5 Reasons Why Trick or Treating is better than sex http://ping.fm/7Fb7W

Women say, before I sleep with you I want to find out what kind of a person you are. Men say, I want to get her into bed before she finds out who I am.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is new.

Middle age woman walks in living room naked .... Hubby says y u naked? She replies this is my love dress. He says, well iron it!

Why should we take advise on sex from the Pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't.

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Who ever said money can't buy you happiness didn't know where to shop.

When I put on acid-washed jeans, I start having flashbacks.

When I put on acid-washed jeans, I start having flashbacks.

Well-behaved women rarely make history.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them…Well, I have others.

There is one thing women can never take away from men. They die sooner.

"Does anybody know what flavor the green gummy bears are? I can’t tell and the taste is just weird."

"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money."

Fact: The acid in diet coke destroys the calories in pizza.

You know you've reached adulthood when 6 am is the time you get up, not the time you go to sleep.

Yes but mommy an daddy are on legal drugs!

you mean shopping for more useless stuff is not the meaning of life?

Young son: "Is it true Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in most countries son."