I’ve been sort of crabby lately. It’s that time of the month again-the rent’s due.

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.
Gary Allan

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend".

Don’t be afraid to take risks. Let him cook dinner once in awhile.

I don't repeat gossip... listen carefully.

I don't repeat gossip... listen carefully.

Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional

http://ping.fm/qOZ96

Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional

Holiday traditions mean a lot to people, particularly people in retail.

http://ping.fm/XqjE6

I don't know if my first experience was heterosexual or homosexual because u was too polite to ask.

I don't have a drinking problem, except when I can't get one.
http://ping.fm/bHNOj

Give a man a fish and he eats for the day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Hey cupcake, can I buy you a drink? No, but I'll take the ten bucks.

Don't do drugs, because if you do drugs, you'll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison.

Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame.

Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity. With our education system??? If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they're got nothing to worry about.

Health - that's what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.