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I've been good but Billy has been jerking off!!!
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Guns don’t kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.

Gossip: When you hear something you like about someone you don't

Be naughty, save Santa the trip.

Based on current statistics, we know 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce, which means the other 50 percent end in death.

Barbie is fifty years old now, so Mattel has come out with divorce, midlife crisis Barbie. She comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

At twenty we don't care what the world thinks of us; at thirty we start to worry about what the world thinks of us; at forty we realize the world isn't thinking of us at all.

The towels at the hotel are so big and fluffy, you can hardly close your suitcase!

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun-and fun is a lot more work.

I'd like to grow very old as slowly as possible.

I automatically start panicking when I can't feel my phone in my pocket.

I’ve been sort of crabby lately. It’s that time of the month again-the rent’s due.

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.
Gary Allan

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend".

Don’t be afraid to take risks. Let him cook dinner once in awhile.

I don't repeat gossip... listen carefully.

I don't repeat gossip... listen carefully.

Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional

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Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional

Holiday traditions mean a lot to people, particularly people in retail.

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I don't know if my first experience was heterosexual or homosexual because u was too polite to ask.

I don't have a drinking problem, except when I can't get one.
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Give a man a fish and he eats for the day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Hey cupcake, can I buy you a drink? No, but I'll take the ten bucks.

Don't do drugs, because if you do drugs, you'll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison.

Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame.

Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity. With our education system??? If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they're got nothing to worry about.

Health - that's what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Ginger Rodgers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.

Don't hate yourself in the morning- sleep till noon.

You know you're getting old when work is less fun, and fun is a lot more work.

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You can only hold your stomach in for so many years!

"Oh, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar." G.C.

Women's rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Top 5 Reasons Why Trick or Treating is better than sex http://ping.fm/7Fb7W

Women say, before I sleep with you I want to find out what kind of a person you are. Men say, I want to get her into bed before she finds out who I am.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is new.

Middle age woman walks in living room naked .... Hubby says y u naked? She replies this is my love dress. He says, well iron it!

Why should we take advise on sex from the Pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't.

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Who ever said money can't buy you happiness didn't know where to shop.

When I put on acid-washed jeans, I start having flashbacks.

When I put on acid-washed jeans, I start having flashbacks.

Well-behaved women rarely make history.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them…Well, I have others.

There is one thing women can never take away from men. They die sooner.

"Does anybody know what flavor the green gummy bears are? I can’t tell and the taste is just weird."

"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money."

Fact: The acid in diet coke destroys the calories in pizza.

You know you've reached adulthood when 6 am is the time you get up, not the time you go to sleep.

Yes but mommy an daddy are on legal drugs!

you mean shopping for more useless stuff is not the meaning of life?

Young son: "Is it true Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in most countries son."

Top 10 Rules of boozing
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PeTA: People eating tasty animals

Beer. It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Huked on foniks werked four me.

You're getting old when almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

The voices in my head don't like you.

Irish coffee has the four essential food groups - caffeine, alcohol, sugar and fat.

Man: May I buy you a cocktail?
Woman: Alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man:Do they swell?
Woman:No. They spread.
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inside every old person there is a young person wondering what the hell happened?

I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

1/76 

 Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Weed Greeting Cards

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I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you are here.

"You are what you eat.." That's strange I don't think I've eaten any sexy beasts today... lol

In biblical times, a man could have as many wives as he could afford. Just like today.

In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact.

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I'm not saying we should misbehave, just that we should look as though we could.

I'm feeding my inner child. He likes pizza and beer.

I am not trashy- I recycle

"I am not a govenor - but I do like hoes."

If you don't like my driving stay off the sidewalk!

How beautiful it is to do nothing and then rest afterwards

How beautiful it is to do nothing and then rest afterwards

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Homer: For you, a baby's all fun and games-for me it's all diaper changes and midnight feedings. Lisa: Doesn't Mom do that stuff?Homer: Yeah, but I have to hear about it.

Homer: For you, a baby's all fun and games-for me it's all diaper changes and midnight feedings. Lisa: Doesn't Mom do that stuff?Homer: Yeah, but I have to hear about it.

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

A man on a date wonders if he will get lucky. A woman already knows.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.

I'm sorry I woke you after your operation while dressed as the Grim Reaper.....It's the only way I could get in without being a relative. http://ping.fm/qQvEV

The three words you don't want to hear while making love: "Honey I am home."

DON'T CALL ME FAT

Free candy

"Discover The Stand-up Comedy Secrets You Need To Kill On Stage In Record Time!"

Great comedy start-up guide.


Click Here!

The house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it.

Show me someone who never gossips and I'll show you someone who isn't interested in people.

BREAKING NEWS: HURRICANE IRENE IS THE JERSEY SHORE'S WORST NATURAL DISASTER SINCE "THE JERSEY SHORE"

Coffee....because weed is illegal!
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SHOW ME A WOMAN WITH A PERFECT FIGURE AND I'LL SHOW YOU A WOMAN WHO'D KILL FOR A BAG OF CHIPS.

Wanna hear an "A" joke???....
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To burp is human...to fart is divine!
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shopping; it is going to save the world. I don't know how, but it will

If you're not embarrassing your children you're obviously not enjoying yourself

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says "I'm cheap."

If there's no beer in heaven, I'm not going!

For their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, they gave each other inscribed tombstones. Hers read' here lies my wife, cold as usual' while his read' here lies my husband' stiff at last.

BITCH- it's not just a word- it's a lifestyle.

Conscience: that quite voice which whispers that someone is watching.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. you are not fat.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. you are not fat.

Anniversaries are like toilets- men usually manage to miss them.

After a few days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

A man is as old as he feels, a woman as old as she feels like admitting.

A man is an accessory like a pair of earrings. It may finish the outfit, but you don't really need it to keep you warm.

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!

A "bitch" is a woman who will sleep with everyone but you.

“Sex after ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.”

It's the good girls who keep the diaries. The bad girls don't have the time.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm quite busy.

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It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.

Figures don’t lie, but lycra redistributes the truth.

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Few men know how to kiss well- fortunately; I've always had time to teach them.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I live in my own little world. But it's okay- They know I am here.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was to late.

I finaly got my head together but my body is a mess.

You're not getting older, darling, just more experienced

You're only young once. That is all society can stand.

Youth is a disease from which we all recover

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

WARNING: I have gas. And I know how to use it

I’ve never understood whey women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

I won't be in today-my hair won't start.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I USED TO BE INDECISIVE…

…BUT NOW I'M NOT SO SURE…

I hate to spread rumors- but what else can one do with them.

I have eye problems. I can't see myself coming into work today.

I may be a beginner at some things, but I've got a black belt in shopping!

i hate housework…you make the beds…you do the dishes… and then six months later you have to start all over again.

I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food

Ever get the feeling your credit card is laughing at you?

Do old men wear boxers or briefs? Depends!

Depression- Nature's way of telling you to watch more TV

(at a perfume counter): Give me something that will make me smell thinner.

(at a perfume counter): Give me something that will make me smell thinner.

This is a test. If it were real life, you would have been instructed where to go and what to do.

Two guys are leaving work when one says: " the first thing I'm going to do when I get home is rip my wife's panties off." "you're that horney?" "No, the elastic is killing me."

To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

Question: Are you sexually active? Response: No, I just lie there.

"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful."

Coffee without caffeine is like sex without the spanking.

Hey mom! You got any more of that hot snatch Dad was raving about last night?

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Please don't undress me with your eyes. I'm not wearing clean underwear.

A mother and daughter are talking about the facts of life. The girl says."Mommy , what is a penis?" her mother says " that's what you father pee's with." Then the girl says. "So whats a prick?" Her mother frowns and says, " that's what is attached to the penis,"

"You know I love Nature. I just don't want to get any on me."

ONE OF THE WONDERS OF SCIENCE: You just hand something in your wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

After all these years, I'm finally comfortable in my own skin, maybe it's because my skin is a lot bigger than it used to be!

"You're still here?... So much for wishes."
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"Don't like your present? Fine. Give it to me- I'll wear the diamond earrings."
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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat healthy and lie about your age

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat healthy and lie about your age

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I'm have the Bloody Mary Salad...hold the celery please.
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"He told me he'd quit smoking cigars if I'd quit nagging. I've come to enjoy the smell of cigars."
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I was in the pub with my wife last night.
I said, "I love you."
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I said, "It's me, and I'm talking to the beer."

Exercise is a dirty work. Go wash your mouth out with chocolate!
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Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look what they do when they stick together.

Birthday Advise 684: An orgasm a day guarantees to keep the heart attack way

Send a valentine http://ping.fm/z9Opt